So I smoked right now. IT’S 1:17AM.
Today I felt shitty so much, I cried all day. I was anxious for every little thing in my life. I thought about myself, relationships, money, goals, in future tense.
I contemplated suicide in a parking lot near target. No other cars were parked beside me.
I looked at a cat sleeping. I tried to find happiness in a cute ass cat sleeping near a bush, but instead I thought about how sad stray cats and kittens are. But I should just be happy for them cause they all have each other, and they get fed by a super nice lady every week.
I feel very sad and anxious about many things like:
Examining what a relationship is with anyone
A) Am I supposed to be clingy or is that how I was raised to be?
B) Do I want to see this person daily?
C) Do I open up too quickly?
D) Was I raised abused in relationships?
I feel very crappy for reasons that are so little that I’m making a big deal out of them. I’m thinking about the future and how to prevent the bad things from happening so everything can work out.
I’ve been all up in the future and it’s not fun.
I want to feel alive and excited every day and I want to feel like I can do whatever I can for any reason. I never want to doubt myself or question if I’m ugly. I don’t want to feel scared for a new relationship. I also don’t want to feel like I’m letting anyone down.
I’ve been trying so hard to satisfy everyone and it’s so hard. Why am I doing this?
I don’t know what I’m trying to do because some negative part of me is pretending to be positive.
Is my mind fucked? Have I been brainwashed by tradition?