After a long shitty day of high school, my good friend offered me some edible pot brownie that sounded great/could possibly make me feel better. We were walking to the buses to go home and she asked if I wanted some, but I was unsure due to the fact that I had sort of a big presentation at my school later. After a small, internal debate with myself, I ate some.
On the way home on the bus, I was waiting for it to hit me. I looked out the window and listened to the only movie soundtracks I had downloaded on my phone. As I approached the park I still didn’t feel anything. I took a small walk home to my house and decided to eat. After finishing a small portion of rice and mashed potatoes, I went into my room to relax. Then it hit me.
I sat on my bed and felt it all: the way my body tingled, how my brain felt like it was floating, how I over thought everything ten times more. Then I realized I was fucked. I had to finish editing a video I was presenting in the next two hours. FUCK.
I grabbed my laptop and waited (slowest laptop ever) about what felt like thirty minutes for it to start. I began to finish the video in a rush. I think I was worried that it would not be good enough and that it would not export in enough time. After the two hours flew by, I exported the video and uploaded it to my website. I got a ride back to school from my mother shortly after.
I walked through the school nervously and high. There was already so many people. My thoughts were all over the place. I found my classroom and went to my table to find only one of the people in my group to be there. Everyone else decided to flake. Standing closely next to me in another group was a guy I had a crush on practically the whole year.
This made me feel even more nervous. As parents, teenagers, and children gathered around presentations, I stood bold. I looked around and examined everyone.
All of the parents looked so disappointed in all the art made by their children. The looks on their face were disgust and boredom. I slowly began to panic as parents came up to our table to ask what our project was about. I tried to explain the best I could but all that came out was high talk. “Yeah, so this thing we made is basically life and it is pretty intense," I rambled. My team mate looked at me like he knew I was high. I stared hard at the dirty carpet. They walked away soon after after asking my team mate other trivial questions.
I looked around more, and the parents continued to look annoyed being there. I saw one parent come up to a mock billboard and point out that the guy on the billboard was their daughter’s boyfriend. This made me sad. I guess one of the parents did not know that she even had a boyfriend. I thought of the daughter hiding this from her parents because she wasn’t close enough to them. I thought of my relationship with my parents.
As I began to sort of hyperventilate (I know, dramatic), I looked around for someone close to talk to. My crush looked at me like I needed help and I looked back to the carpet. My team mate was so quiet I couldn’t even bear to talk to him.
I walked to my close friend and she noticed I seemed off. “Are you high?" she asked. “No!" I said annoyed. I was not going to tell her I was high at the time only because I thought she would disregard my feelings just because of it. I checked my phone constantly to read text messages from my other close friend who was presenting in another class. I told her I needed her and she said okay.
I walked out of the classroom and looked around the school. I swear everyone I knew was there. It was the worst. I walked to the close friend I had been texting and saw she was still presenting. I went back to my classroom.
I waited patiently and tried not to have a panic attack. Shortly after dealing with more questions from strangers, I breathed harder. Then my friend came. I was so happy. “Thank you so much for coming. I am freaking the fuck out" I said. “Are you okay?" she said. “No, I took some edible but that’s not the deal. The deal is I realized everyone has big ass expectations and it sucks" I said. “Okay, how?" she asked. “I heard a parent ask their child if what they were doing at this school would actually make them money in the future" I said. My friend looked confused and just simply worried for me. I explained everything I saw and she just only seemed concerned for me. As she was leaving she asked me if I was sure I was okay about five more times. I said yes.
I was not okay. I was sweating, and I was super anxious due to the fuck load of people. I went up to my teacher and asked if I could leave. He asked if it was an emergency and I said yes. He did a weird nod and it sort of seemed like he knew I was high, which was so annoying. It didn't stop me from leaving though, so I took off.
I stood in the dark outside, watching people leave the school and listening to their conversations. I saw my friend Emily, who I hadn't seen in awhile and called her. She didn’t hear me until she got closer. I snap chatted a picture with her because of how excited she seemed to see me. I thought to myself These tiny glimpses of light in these dark moments are what keeps me going. She left after and I was alone in the dark.
These last hard thoughts hit me hard. We humans are made to make money and raise ourselves to be on our own. We are all expected by someone to be something and it is daunting. The more money we make, the more we either are put down or up. Some projects will never be good enough to ourselves or others. We are born on this earth to grow up and make money and that is all. Providing shelter and food for ourselves, of course, but other than that it is all great expectations. It all became clear to me and made me even more anxious.
There is no balance between feeling calm and anxious. After that night, I told myself I would never eat and edible again because it was too much. I think what overwhelms me is the thought of not having things I need in the future. I do not want to grow up on reliance. I have a certain path I want to pursue but it is not clear. That is what scares me the most. At the same time, my parents give me the pressure of working hard. This overwhelms me even more, because I am already working towards that. What is worst than being questioned on how hard you are trying? Since then I have felt that most of my success should be revolved around if I am happy or not. It should not be about money and other high-end expectations from other people.
Also, to never eat an edible before a presentation.