July 3rd, 2017.
I’m in Barnes and Noble right now. I smoked before driving here. It was a pretty big bowl. I don’t normally smoke huge bowls in my pipe alone. I felt very weird and off still, but just a tiny bit! My mom cooked eggs for me this morning while I showered. She’s never home on Mondays. I think she likes to cook when she can. She’s just scared to burn food or have it taste gross. Or laziness? I’m probably doing the same thing in a different situation.
I kind of regret smoking but at the same time it’s helping me examine everything I need to fix—to be happier and stronger.
I think I’m gonna hangout with Kenna tonight but I’m not sure. Lol. I can’t stop laughing. I feel ok and good now. I calmed myself down.
I was thinking about every little thing I need to work on in my life and it stressed me out. And then I started integrating all of these thoughts into my life. Like puzzle pieces that were never meant to be put together. Maybe.
I like taking a moment to examine my surroundings and view how other people are doing. Everyone else looks calm and present, I think I’m the only one who is not even though I am.
I was reading more about LSD and I was so scared thinking about what if I actually liked it. But why do I like it? Does it help me examine or observe more? Does it make me feel powerful? Silly. You’re already powerful.
I’m still a baby who has been tossed and turned and misplaced. I forget what I’ve been through but I also recognize and appreciate it every day. I treat myself not like a victim but a hero.
I’m scared to be myself because I don’t always know myself. I seek refugee in entertainment and art. I find sadness in normality. I’m not happy enough wherever I go unless I truly believe it’s beneficial. I don’t want to be stuck but I don’t want to be even more stressed. I contradict to contradict to contradict. I am a leopard but a baby leopard. I look for food. I look for friends. I look for predator. I look for prey.
My own intuition scares me because I don’t know if it’s intuitive.
When walking to the bathroom in B&N, I thought about what everyone might think of my short shorts and my long earring. And my dark blue hair. I thought about how hot and cool I am and appeared overly happy and aware. Overly happy? Is there such thing? I didn’t mean to write that but I did. I’m beating myself up for my own actions and thoughts. I just realized I was hella slouching over myself to write this. Like I was doing something in secrecy but I also just wanted to be closer to my pen and my words.
The people who work here seem like they could be my friends. Lol. Maybe. Probably.
I have to pee again but I don’t want anyone to take my seat or something. I’m not gonna lie, I want coffee so bad but I shouldn’t fuck with all that sugar and energy. I had a dutch bros. energy drink yesterday and paid 4.25 for it. I don’t want my paycheck to be my boost for happiness but at the same time it makes me patient. Fuck. I’m so high. I hope this all makes sense after reading it. I hope I remember what I meant and how it affected me or moved me in the moment.
That’s all I want to be. Is in the moment. I don’t want to be trapped in others’. I want freedom and peace wherever I am. Is that possible?
I forget I’ve been sleeping on life and mourning the feeling of productivity and happiness.
I forget that ‘more’ is ‘right now’.
I’ll write more later but right now I’m going to pee and then do the examiner and the observer—in my green book.